The great problem solver

Submitted by L. Hunley

A man who was having lunch with a co-worker said he had to make a big decision. 

He said, “Every spring for 25 years, my wife complained every weekend until I mowed and weeded the lawn and trimmed the shrubs. It was getting tougher and more time consuming as I was getting older, so last April, I hired a young guy named Jim to come over one day a week and do all the landscaping. Things seemed to be going well until last week, when my neighbor called me and asked if I was aware Jim was now coming over two or three days a week while I am at work. At first, I thought that was good news since he never increased the price, but it made me a little bit suspicious. I gave it a lot of thought and decided I had to do something. Even after considering the price, and the fact that my wife seems happier and no longer nags me—and I do have the nicest lawn in the neighborhood—I decided Jim had to go. I definitely am going to fire him—probably in mid-October! Problem solved! For now, everyone is happy and I have time to play golf this weekend.”  

The worst foods

Submitted by Yvonne Ruth

A doctor was addressing a large audience saying, “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, one man raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding cake?” 

Final Goodbye

Submitted by Joanne Butler

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you are placed in a casket and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say about you?”

The first fellow said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine Rotary Club member and a terrific family man.”

The second fellow commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher, a faithful servant of the church and someone who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

The last fellow said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

Best lumberjack

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A man is applying for a job. The boss asks where he worked before.

“For the last 30 years, I drove an 18-wheeler. The 10 before that, I was the best lumberjack in the Sahara Forest,” he replied.

“The Sahara is a desert,” the boss said. “There aren’t any trees there.”

“Not anymore there aren’t,” the man said. 

Deaf cowboy

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A cowboy comes back to the ranch riding his horse. Behind him is a riderless horse. The ranch hands who come out to greet him ask, “What’s with the riderless horse? Where’s your wife?”

The cowboy turns his head around and sees the riderless horse, then he exclaims, “Oh, thank God! For a while there I thought I had gone deaf!”

Is Spelling Important?

Submitted by Nathan Williams

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig, huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

60 is the new 40

Submitted by Tim Menger

A man gets up on the morning of his 60th birthday, walks outside, pounds his chest and exclaims, “60 is the new 40!” It actually reveals a lot about himself.  

He has worked at a desk job for the last 25 years.

He has a brand new unused pair of hiking boots in his closet.

He has a dresser drawer full of mail-order Viagra pills.

He has never been on a snowboard.

He has a lot of speeding tickets.

The Computer Swallowed Grandma

Submitted by Rachel Houston

The computer swallowed Grandma. 

Yes, honestly it’s true. 

She pressed “Control” and “Enter” 

And disappeared from view. 

It devoured her completely, 

The thought just makes me squirm. 

She must have caught a virus 

Or been eaten by a worm. 

I’ve searched through the recycle bin 

And files of every kind; 

I’ve even used the Internet, 

But nothing did I find. 

In desperation, I asked Jeeves 

My searches to refine. 

The reply from him was negative, 

Not a thing was found online. 

So, if inside your inbox, 

My grandma you should see, 

Please “Copy,” “Scan” and “Paste” her 

And send her back to me!

Smog in Los Angeles

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Recently, a mother and her young daughter were eating soup at an outdoor restaurant in Los Angeles. The little girl was dawdling, so her mother said, “Eat your soup, honey, before it gets dirty.”

Any ID?

Submitted by Christine McCoy

A Colorado State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-77. 

The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “’Bout whut?”

Twins

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A poor woman gave birth to identical twins and put them up for adoption. One boy was adopted by a family in Egypt, and they named him Amal. The other was adopted by a family in Spain; they named him Juan. 

Many years passed and Juan eventually tracked down his birth mother and sent her his photo. Overjoyed, the woman told her sister, “Isn’t Juan a handsome boy? I only wish I had a picture of his brother!”

“For crying out loud!” Her sister exclaimed. “They’re identical twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal!”