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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters - April 2023

April Fools Jokes

Submitted by Michelle Ruggles

Did you know bees become indecisive after April? They become maybees.

A and C were going to prank their friend... but they just letter B. 

Today’s the day to propose. If they say yes, great. If they say no, just say, “April Fools!”

What’s the difference between Thanksgiving and April 1? Being thankful versus prankful.

Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day? They love practical yolks.

Why are babies born on March 31st easy to prank? They were literally born yesterday. 

April Fools’ Day is like a huge open mic night. Millions of people go out of the way to demonstrate how unfunny they are. 

Hearing exam

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A man goes to see his doctor for an annual physical and his wife accompanies him.

The doctor goes to examine his ears and removes his hearing aids. The doctor says, “Do you know these hearing aids don’t have any batteries in them?”

The guy raises his finger to his lips and says, “Shhh!”

Twisted Tryst

Submitted by Carolyn Ryan

A pair of amorous coworkers went to New York for a company convention. He invited her to his hotel room, but it didn’t go well. Offended and furious, she grabbed her purse, slipped into her coat and left her clothes behind. Downstairs she took a cab to her hotel. Upon leaving the cab, her hem was caught in the car door so she had no choice but to surrender her coat as the cab pulled away. She had to streak across the lobby and into the open elevator, which was occupied by an obviously drunk man. As the door closed, it got very quiet until he leaned over and confided, “My wife haaaz an outfit jusss like that!”

Handicap spot

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A man and his wife are looking for a parking place downtown. He finally pulls into a handicap space. His wife says, “Stupidity is not a handicap. Park somewhere else.”

On getting older

Submitted by Jil Goebel

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Retirement to-do list: Wake up. (Nailed it!)

I don’t have gray hair. I have wisdom highlights.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don’t trip. I do random gravity checks.

One minute you’re young and fun. Next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Some people are like clouds. Once they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

Some people you’re glad to see coming; some people you’re glad to see going.

Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn’t have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it...” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

Having plans sounds like a good idea...until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter either.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing. Dancing leads to slipping. And slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So don’t sing!

I see people my age mountain climbing. I feel good just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story anyway.

Sand Traps

Submitted by Cliff Richardson

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local country club. He went to the club for the first time to play but was told there wasn’t anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the assistant pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. 

The 80-year-old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.” 

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball that landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match, and all the money! 

The pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said, “Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”

The octogenarian replied, “I do. Please give me a hand.” 

Anger Management

Submitted by Yvonne Ruth

Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?”

Wife: “I clean the toilet.”

Husband: “How does that help?”

Wife: “I use your toothbrush.” 

Just right

Submitted by Carolyn Ryan

Do you know why mermaids wear seashells?

Because a B is too small and a D is too big.

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