THE FIVE STAGES OF LIFE

Submitted by Emily Wood

1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In
5. To Heck With It

LET THERE BE PEACE

Submitted by Jenna Bass

A wise elderly gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace. Then a new school year began. 

One afternoon, three young boys walked down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the man decided it was time to take action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. He stopped them and said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” 

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again. But this time he looked sad. 

“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. 

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, Mister. We quit!” 

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days. 

YOU’RE A SENIOR

By Susan Ducept

When people ask me if I have “devices” (as in electronic devices) I tell them, “No, I gave up smoking, drugs, drinking and binge eating a long time ago!”

TURNING THE TABLES

Submitted by M. L. Madsen

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving a very expensive European sports car. 

Enraged, the guy jumped out and confronted the old man, screaming, “Look what you did to my car! You’re going to give me $10,000 right now or I’m going to beat you to a pulp!”

“I don’t have that kind of money,” the man said nervously. “Let me call my son who trains dolphins. He will know what to do.”

“Dolphins!” the other driver huffed while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone and dialed his son. Just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

“So you’re a dolphin trainer, huh?” the furious man yelled. “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m going to beat you and your old man to a pulp!”

“I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” the son said calmly.

A truck pulled up exactly 10 minutes later. A man hopped out and pulverized the bully, and left him in a heap on the side of the road. He walked over to his father and said,

“For the last time, Dad, I train seals…Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

PUN AND GAMES

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Frank sent a get well card to his friend. He enclosed 10 puns, hoping that at least one would cheer him up. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did. 

If you are an American when you enter a restroom and you’re an American when you leave a restroom, what are you while you’re in the restroom? European. 

Have you ever wondered why ants are only about 1/8-inch in height? It’s because Mother Nature has a no-taller-ants policy.

How can you tell if your cat ate a duckling? By its down-in-the-mouth look.

PILLS, PILLS, PILLS: A POEM

Submitted by Blake Burton

A row of bottles on my shelf caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop goes to my heart so it won’t stop.

A little white one that I take goes
to my hands so they won’t shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot tell me I’m happy when I’m not.

The purple pill goes to my brain and tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all, go to my blood so I won’t fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright, prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I’d really like to know is what tells each one where to go!

NEW VIRUS

Submitted by Stuart Rivera

There is a new virus. The code name is “work.” 

If you receive “work” from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or anything else, do not touch “work” under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three drinks and after repeating that task 14 times, you will find that “work” has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize that you do not have five friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and “work” already controls your whole life. 

LENGTHY SENTENCE

Submitted by Gwen Austin

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

RAINY DAY

Submitted by Ian Mitchell

After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals were happy except the kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.