Gone for good

Submitted by David Frese

The wives of two rednecks are talking over coffee.

Mary: “John and I had a really big fight. I think he has left me for good this time,”

Jane: “Don’t say that. You’ve had fights before.”

Mary: “Yes, but this time he took his bowling ball with him.”

Bachelors

Submitted by Chris Carol

Two bachelors named Larry and Frank went out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office to sports and then to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” Larry said, “but I couldn’t do anything.”

“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” Frank said.

Larry nodded. “Every one of those recipes started off the same way: Take a clean plate.”

Success is...

Submitted by Teresa Kane

At age 4 success is not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 17 success is having a driver’s license.

At age 35 success is saving money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 70 success is having a driver’s license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not piddling in your pants. 

Truth hurts

Submitted by Jeremy Splude

Great truths that little children have learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

Great truths that adults have learned:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great truths about growing old:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Fingerprints

Submitted by Bill Johnson

Gunny sergeant Wagner’s new Marine recruits have just finished another session on the rifle range and are getting into formation to march back to camp. 

The gunny turns to his corporal and says, “That private Smith is a very good marksman. Where is he from?”

The corporal replies, “From a very rough area of Chicago.”

Gunny Wagner replies, “That explains why he wipes his fingerprints off the rifle after every session.”

Cured!

Submitted by Susan Capps

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive the old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put three drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.

Dr. Young: Aaagh! This is gasoline!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young was annoyed and went back after a couple of days, figuring he’d recover his money.

Dr. Young: I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.

Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22 and put three drops in the patient’s mouth.

Dr. Young: Oh, no you don’t! That’s gasoline!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!

Dr. Geezer: Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1,000 back (gives him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

Golf balls

Submitted by Bill Chaplin

A man got on the bus with his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. 

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?” 

Progress, not

Submitted by Ralph Schafer

If con is the opposite of pro, do you know what the opposite of progress is?

Do I need to tell you? Congress. 

Related articles: 

Laughing Matters: February 2024

Laughter is a perfect way to spread love – start your February with a smile by reading our reader-submitted jokes! Read More » 

Laughing Matters: January's fun-filled jokes

Start the year with a laugh by exploring our hilarious reader-submitted jokes for January's edition of Laughing Matters! Read More »