HOT ROD LINGO

Submitted by Ralph Kent

A guy walks into a diner, places his order, and says, “I’ll take three flat tires and a pair of headlights.”

The waitress, not wanting to sound clueless, heads back to the kitchen and tells the cook,

“There’s a guy out there who just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think this is—an auto parts store?”

The cook chuckles.

“No, no. Three flat tires means three pancakes, and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up,” he explains.

“Oh,” says the waitress. 

She thinks about it for a moment, then scoops up a bowl of beans and brings it out to the customer.

“What are the beans for?” he asks.

“I figured while you were waitin’ on your flat tires and headlights, you might want to gas up.”

“WRONG” RIDDLE

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A word that if pronounced right is wrong, but if pronounced wrong is right.

(The answer is “wrong.”)

WHY PARENTS GET GRAY HAIR

Submitted by Jessie Watson

The boss of a big company needed to reach an employee about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home number and was greeted by a child’s whispered voice:

“Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” the boss asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

“No,” the child whispered.

The boss tried again. “Is your mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“Can I talk with her?”

“No.”

Starting to get frustrated, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child. “A policeman.”

Now even more curious, the boss asked, “Can I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy,” the child whispered.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen.”

The boss was growing concerned. Then he heard a strange noise in the background and asked, “What’s that sound?”

“A hello-copper,” came the reply.

The boss, now alarmed, asked, “What is going on there?”

In an awed whisper, the child said, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

The boss, nearly panicked, asked, “What are they searching for?!”

With a giggle, the child whispered, “Me.”

ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL TERMS

Submitted by Vickie Dickerson

Benign - What you be after you be eight

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheepdog

Coma - A punctuation mark

D&C - Where Washington is

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

G.I. Series - World Series of military baseball

Hangnail - What you hang your coat on

Impotent - Distinguished, well-known

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A doctor’s cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pap Smear - A fatherhood test

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - A letter carrier

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery

Rectum - Nearly killed him

Seizure - Roman emperor

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport

Tumor - One plus one more

Varicose - Nearby, close by 

HOW NICE

Submitted by Erika Crane

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat on a stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, “You look great!”

He looks around—nobody’s nearby.

Then he hears it again: “No really, you look terrific.”

Puzzled, he glances around the bar. Still no one. 

Then the voice says, “Is that a new shirt? Because you are absolutely glowing!”

He finally realizes the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

“Hey,” he calls to the bartender, “what’s with the nuts?”

The bartender shrugs and says, “Oh, they’re complimentary.”

COWBOY WISDOM

Submitted by Lydia Atkins

• Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

• The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

• If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.

• It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

• The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin’.

• If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

• Don’t worry about bitin’ off more’n you can chew—your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.

• Always drink upstream from the herd.

• Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothin’ when your mouth’s a-jawin’.

• Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.

• If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there with ya.

• Good judgment comes from experience—and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

• When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.

• When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

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