We seniors are often seen by others as tottering and needing help—even when we don’t. Some kindhearted stranger will jump in to assist the moment we hesitate to pick something off the floor or rise from a chair. While these gestures may be well-meaning, they can also be intrusive. They take away our agency—our right to live on our own terms.

One subtle yet pervasive way this happens is through elderspeak—the condescending, overly-simplified or childlike way some people talk to older adults. It includes sing-song tones, exaggerated speech and phrases like “sweetie,” “honey” or “dear.” It often assumes dependency: “Let’s brush our teeth now” or “We need to get dressed.” Though sometimes disguised as kindness, it’s patronizing and strips away our dignity.

A nurse once escorted my partner and me to an exam room and said, “Right this way, sweetie.” My partner replied firmly, “My name is Ronda. Don’t call me sweetie.” When we mentioned it to the physician, he brushed it off: “She was only trying to help.”

But that’s the problem. These words assume we’re incapable and imply the speaker is in charge. It’s not just annoying—it’s harmful. 

Research shows that elderspeak is especially common in nursing homes and medical settings. It can be belittling, reduce self-esteem, increase feelings of helplessness and even cause residents to shut down or act out. One study found that when elderspeak was discouraged and staff were trained in more respectful, person-centered communication, residents were happier and more cooperative.

If you’re evaluating care facilities for you or a loved one, ask directly whether they have a policy against elderspeak. If they don’t, consider it a red flag. 

If your loved one is already in a facility, advocate on their behalf. Make sure their chart includes a short narrative about who they are—their accomplishments, personality, preferences and dislikes. When staff know a resident’s background, they’re more likely to treat them as a full person.

If elderspeak becomes a pattern, bring it up in the next care meeting. If that doesn’t lead to change, escalate the concern. The person in charge is the one most likely to create change.

You can also recommend training programs like CHAT (Changing Talk) or its online version, CHATO. These evidence-based tools train staff to recognize and replace elderspeak with respectful, person-centered communication. Facilities that implement these programs often report improved relationships, reduced behavioral issues and even less reliance on medications in residents with dementia.

Correcting someone who calls you “sweetie” can feel awkward—after all, they think they’re being nice. But if it bothers you, speak up. I often say:

“Thank you for trying to be kind. But when I’m called ‘sweetie,’ I feel belittled. Please call me by my name, Laird.”

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