BUDDY THE BLIND HORSE

Submitted by Patricia Wells

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolate area. Luckily, a local farmer came by with his big, strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy to the car and shouted, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then he hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Still nothing.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” No response.

Finally, he said casually, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And Buddy easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist, both grateful and curious, asked why the farmer had called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer replied, “Oh, Buddy’s blind. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

THE LEGEND BEHIND GIVING THE BIRD

Submitted by Rob Lamb

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, planned to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow, rendering soldiers incapable of fighting again.

This famous weapon was made from the native English yew tree, and the act of drawing it was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck yew”). Much to the French’s bewilderment, the English pulled off a major upset and began mocking their enemies by waving their middle fingers and shouting, “See, we can still pluck yew!” Pluck yew!

Over time, folk etymologies sprang up around this symbolic gesture. Because “pluck yew” can be tricky to say (much like “pleasant mother pheasant plucker”—a tongue-twister referencing the person who provided feathers for the longbow arrows), the initial consonant cluster gradually softened into a labiodental fricative: “F.” That linguistic shift helped form the modern expletive often used with the one-finger salute.

It’s also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that this rude gesture came to be known as “giving the bird.”

DRACULA’S MEMOIR

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

I heard it was recently discovered that Count Dracula wrote an autobiography. It’s titled “Fangs for the Memories.”

DOG LOGIC: LIGHT BULBS

Submitted by Rosie Kerr

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us—and you’re worrying about a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp.

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go ahead—make me.

Shih Tzu: Puh-leeze, dahling. Let the servants.

Labrador: Oh, me! Me! Please let me change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m sleeping on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz...

Pointer: I see it! There it is! Right there!

Greyhound: It’s not moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Let’s herd all the bulbs into a little circle.

Old English Sheepdog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? ARF!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

UNDRESSED AND UNIMPRESSED

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A stripper was thrown out of a restaurant. She ordered a salad—without dressing.

LESSONS LEARNED

Submitted by Brandon Santos

It takes a lifetime to learn...

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there’s always one person who sees a solution and is willing to take charge. Very often, that person is crazy.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is annoying the people who aren’t in them.

Never argue with an idiot—people watching can’t tell which is which.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN…?

Submitted by Rikki Jimenez

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Moses: And God came down from the heavens and said, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Richard Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever ask, what the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurities.

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Office 2001, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your documents, and balance your checkbook.

Oliver Stone: The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it’s “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken?”

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?