LITERACY NOT REQUIRED

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A woman walks into a pet store to buy a water dish for her dog, Otto.

The clerk says, “We can personalize it to say ‘Otto’s Water Dish’ for $10.”

She replies, “No thanks. My husband doesn’t drink out of the dog dish and the dog can’t read.”

DATING AFTER 50

Submitted by Colleen Story

Dating after 50 is like trying to find the least damaged thing at a thrift store that doesn’t smell. 

A DREAM COME TRUE

Submitted by Betty Cole

A husband sat down at the table and said to his wife, “Boy, did I have a nightmare!”

“I’m sorry, dear.”

“I dreamed I had died and all my money was gone.”

“That’s sad. I dreamed I suddenly came into a lot of money and took a trip around the world.”

“That’s a lot better than my nightmare! Where all did we go?”

“Oh, you weren’t there, dear. I was by myself.”

ENGLISH IS BANANAS

Submitted by Penelope Crumb

Perhaps English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. There’s no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; no apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England, nor were French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candy, but sweetbreads—decidedly not sweet—are meat.

Quicksand works slowly. Boxing rings are square. Guinea pigs are neither pigs nor from Guinea.

One goose, two geese… so why not one moose, two meese?

Writers write, but fingers don’t fing. Grocers don’t groce. Hammers don’t ham.

We burn up a house while it burns down, fill in a form by filling it out and alarms go off by going on.

And when the stars are out, they’re visible… but when the lights are out, they’re invisible.

We overlook something and oversee it—opposites. Yet “quite a few” and “quite a lot” mean the same thing. The weather can be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next.

A lone mouse becomes mice, but one house becomes houses—not hice. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why not beeth for booth?

Why isn’t the plural of cat “cose” to match the plural of mouse? Why can you have a brother and brethren but never a mother and methren? And if “he, his and him” are masculine, shouldn’t “she, shis and shim” be feminine? 

Still wondering why English is hard? Try winding up this essay—you’ll find it ends.

ONLY THE TRUTH

Submitted by Becky Williams

A husband found a study in the newspaper claiming women use twice as many words per day as men—30,000 vs. 15,000. 

Triumphant, he waved the article at his wife. She read it, then replied, “That’s because we have to repeat everything we say.”

He blinked. 

She said again, “That’s because we have to repeat everything we say.”

BAR NONE

Submitted by Brandon Richmond

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. Bartender says, “I’ll serve you—but don’t start anything.”

A sandwich walks in. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A guy walks in carrying a slab of asphalt and says, “One beer please, and one for the road.”

TOM JONES SYNDROME

Submitted by Keri Scorman

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The green, green grass of home.”

“Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It’s not unusual.”

TWO COWS IN A FIELD

Submitted by Aretha Weaver

Daisy says, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

Dolly replies, “I don’t believe you.”

Daisy insists, “It’s true—no bull!”

FEEDING TIME

Submitted by Renne Rice

An old farmer had a large, well-kept pond on his property with picnic tables, a basketball court and horseshoe pits. It had been designed for swimming, though he hadn’t visited it in a while.

One evening, the farmer decided to stroll down and check things out. As he neared the pond, he heard voices—laughing, splashing, shouting.

To his surprise, a group of young women were skinny dipping in his pond. When they saw him approach, they shrieked and swam to the deep end.

One of them shouted, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man smiled and called back, “Oh, don’t mind me. I didn’t come down here to watch you swim. I just came to feed the alligator.”

YOU’RE NUTS

Submitted by Reid Hunter

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.

The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

CHEMISTRY LESSON

Submitted by Reid Hunter

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, “I lost my electron.”

The other asks, “Are you sure?”

“Yep, I’m positive.”

HEAVY PETTING

Submitted by Kandy Clements

A man brings his cross-eyed Rottweiler to the vet.

“Can you do anything for him?” he asks.

The vet checks the dog’s eyes and teeth, then says,

“I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

GRANDMA’S COOKING

Submitted by Renne Rice

Everyone was gathered around the table as food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he immediately dug in.

“Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to,” Logan said.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

Logan shrugged. “That’s at our house. But this is Grandma’s house—and she knows how to cook.”

PADDLE PROBLEMS

Submitted by Vivian Modesitt

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire.

The kayak sank.

Turns out you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

NOW YOU SEE THEM

Submitted by Janice Bloom

I went shopping for camouflage pants the other day.

Couldn’t find any. 

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