Jokes to make you smile this Thanksgiving season
Submitted by Isaac Kirby
A general was standing at the vending machines when a private walked by.
“Private, do you have change for a dollar?” the general asked.
“I sure do, buddy!” replied the private, digging into his pockets.
“Private, that is no way to address a superior officer! Drop down and give me 50!”
The private immediately hit the deck and performed the push-ups while the general counted them off.
“Now, let’s try that again, private. Do you have change for a dollar?”
“Sir, no sir!” replied the private.
Submitted by Isaac Kirby
Why do members of the military often marry lovers from the foreign countries they were deployed in?
Because when they come home, they get to leave their in-laws thousands of miles away.
Submitted by Isaac Kirby
There was one particular sergeant who worried about everything. One day he came into the room whistling with a smile on his face. The other sergeants noticed he looked more relaxed than ever.
“What happened, Sergeant? You seem in a good mood.”
“I’m paying a private to do all my worrying for me,” he replied.
“Well, how much are you paying him?”
“Two thousand dollars a week,” he said.
“What? How can you afford that?!”
“I can’t,” he said. “But that’s his worry now.”
Submitted by Lewis Wise
A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.”
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of peons.
Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. But it can be detected because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes reorganization, creating more morons and isodopes.
Some scientists believe Governmentium forms whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This is called “Critical Morass.” When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, which has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Submitted by Kristi Cobb & Traci Carey
Why did the turkey bring a microphone?
He was ready to roast.
What did the turkey say when he met the president?
Pardon me.
How does a turkey travel?
By gravy train.
What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving?
Lucky!
Why was the turkey put in jail?
The police suspected fowl play.
Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had his own drumsticks.
What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Submitted by Tanisha Webb
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and thought she might need a hearing aid. He called the doctor for advice.
“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her and speak in a normal tone. If she doesn’t respond, move to 30 feet, then 20, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening the man tried it. From 40 feet: “Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response.
At 30 feet: “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Nothing.
At 20 feet: “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Silence.
At 10 feet: “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still nothing.
Finally, he stood right behind her and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She turned and said, “Earl, for the fifth time, chicken!”
Submitted by Carla W.
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they’re afraid of falling. Instead they pick the easy ones from the ground.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, but in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, one brave enough to climb all the way up.
Now about men. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Submitted by Ruthie Hughes
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about the battle inside every person.
He said, “My son, it is between two wolves. One is Evil—anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is Good—joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought a minute, then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Submitted by Will Daniels
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
He was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky, he was a crusty old man and a roll model for millions.
He is survived by his wife Play Dough, his children John Dough and Jane Dough, and one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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