The Tattoo

Submitted by Linda Carver

Two elderly women are sitting in a beauty parlor when a young woman walks in wearing a low-cut blouse that reveals a rose tattoo on her breast.

One woman leans over and whispers, “Poor thing. She doesn’t realize that in 50 years, that’s going to look like a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket.”

Pardon My French

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Ms. LeFarge teaches high school French. 

On the first day of class, she asks, “Does anyone know any words in French?”

A student stands up and rattles off several cuss words.

Ms. LeFarge is shocked. 

“How dare you use such vulgar and disgusting words in my class!” she exclaims.

The student shrugs and replies, “Whenever my dad uses those words, he always says, ‘Pardon my French.’”

Things You’ll Never Hear in a Western Movie

Submitted by Ron Delaney

“I reckon I’ll have me a double martini with a twist.”

“Gentlemen, instead of reacting, let’s draw on our feminine intuition.”

“Can we postpone this duel? I’ve got to use the restroom.”

“Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecahedron!”

“Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican. That’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein and two starches.”

“You and Slim round up them strays, and I’ll have Cookie start the gazpacho and fondue.”

“That’s him! The varmint who shot my therapist!”

“He was a strong man, a good marshal and had a keen eye for interior design.”

“Hey, Buck, do these chaps make me look big?”

“Like I keep telling you, Earl: men are from Tombstone, women are from Dodge.”

“Hang him high, boys! Okay… a little to the left… perfect!”

Report Card

Submitted by Marlene Jacobs

Eight-year-old Sally brings home her report card. Her grades are mostly As, with a couple of Bs.

At the bottom, the teacher writes, “Sally is a smart little girl, but she talks too much. I have an idea that may break her of this habit.”

Sally’s dad signs it and writes back, “Let me know if it works. I’d like to try it on her mother.”

Lunch Where?

Submitted by Patricia Olsen

A teacher is explaining latitude and longitude to her class.

She asks, “If I told you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude, what would you do?”

After a long silence, a student says, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Job History

Submitted by Gerald Whitaker

My first job is at an orange juice factory, but I get canned. I can’t concentrate.

Then I work as a lumberjack, but I can’t hack it, so they give me the axe.

I try tailoring, but I’m not suited for it. It’s a sew-sew job.

Next, I work in a muffler factory, but it’s too exhausting.

I try being a chef to spice up my life, but I don’t have the thyme.

I work at a deli, but any way I slice it, I can’t cut the mustard.

My best job is as a musician, but I’m not noteworthy.

I study to be a doctor, but I don’t have the patience.

I try a shoe factory, but I don’t fit in.

I become a fisherman, but I can’t live on my net income.

I work for a pool company, but it’s too draining.

I try a fitness center, but I’m not fit for the job.

Finally, I become a historian… until I realize there’s no future in it.

My last job is at a coffee shop, but it’s the same old grind.

So I try retirement and discover I’m perfect for it.

I Don’t Know Either

Submitted by Bob Breazeale

Ms. Smith has just finished giving her fourth grade class a test. After class, she calls Johnny up to her desk and says, “I think you cheated off Jimmy’s test.”

Johnny says, “No, I wasn’t cheating.”

“Well,” she says, “on question six, Jimmy wrote, ‘I don’t know.’”

“And on question six,” she continues, “you wrote, ‘I don’t either.’”

Magic Powers

Submitted by Wayne F. Steury

A Hoosier woodpecker is getting tired of Indiana’s endless cornfields and hears about Colorado. He reads about the Centennial state and begins his long flight.

At last, he sees the mountains and perches on a stately aspen tree.

“Wow, I am going to enjoy a feast up here,” he says.

As he gets ready to sink his beak into the top branch after a bug, he does not notice a dark storm cloud above. Just as he hits the branch, a bolt of lightning strikes the top of the tree and sends him tumbling.

He hits the ground with a hard thump and passes out for a second. When he gets up, he brushes off his feathers, looks at the shattered and burning tree and says, “It’s amazing what you can do when you’re away from home.”

Truth Be Told… It’s Funny

By Jan Weeks

A recent study finds that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent. It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

More than 4 million people get married each year. Not to cause trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

I change my password to “incorrect,” so whenever I forget it, the computer says, “Your password is incorrect.”

I enter what I eat into my fitness app and it sends an ambulance to my house.

I ask my North Korean friend how it is there. He says he can’t complain.

A man knocks on my door and asks for a small donation for the local swimming pool. I give him a glass of water.

True friendship is walking into someone’s house and your Wi-Fi connects automatically.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has no idea what he did wrong.

Before I criticize someone, I like to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I do criticize them, I am a mile away and I have their shoes.

God gives us a brain to solve problems. We use it to create more. 

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