Let there be peace

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace until the new school year began.

One afternoon, three young boys—full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm—came down his street,beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until the man finally decided to take action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again.

“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way. We quit!”

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Benefits of growing older

In a hostage situation you’re likely to be released first. It’s harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. People call at 9 a.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?” People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won’t wear out. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. You got cable for the weather channel. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You send money to PBS. You sing along with the elevator music. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Last ‘writes’

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note—then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket he was wearing when Fred died.

As he wrapped up his message, he said, “You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

The horse that won’t work alone

A motorist drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!”

Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!”

Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!”

Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!”

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

New math

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed at the boy’s quick reply.

“How do you know that?” he asked

“Easy,” the little boy said. “Add it up, like the Bishop said: four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.”