Signs of the times Submitted by Joseph Hunt

Plumber: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in northeast Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip; call your plumber.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

Billboard on the side of the road: “Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On maternity room door: “Push, Push, Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window: “Let me meat your needs.”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary; we hear you coming.”

Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes: Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

On the door of a computer store: “Out for a quick byte.”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully; we’ll wait.”

In a counselor’s office: “Growing old is mandatory; growing wise is optional.”

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Palm Sunday Submitted by Terry Edwards

It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, Sue’s 3-year-old son had to stay home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.

“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his mother explained.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I didn’t go and he showed up!”

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Twins Submitted by Bob Breazeale

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

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What is a grandparent? Submitted by Abigail Rochester

These were taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.

“A grandfather is a man grandmother.”

“Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old, they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.”

“When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.”

“They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on cracks.”

“They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’”

“Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.”

“They wear glasses and funny underwear.”

“They can take their teeth and gums out.”

“They have to answer questions like, ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’”

“When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.”

“Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.”

“They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.”

One 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived: “She lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

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The great composers Submitted by Ted Boothroyd

Stallone, Van Damme and Schwarzenegger decide to collaborate on a movie about famous classical composers. After some discussion, Stallone says, “I’ll be Beethoven.” Van Damme says, “Okay, great. I’ll be Mozart.” Having not much choice left, Schwarzenegger finally says, “It’s a deal. I’ll be Bach.”

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Bad branding Submitted by Larry Anderson

A New York lawyer had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming. A few months later, his best friend flew out to the ranch for a visit.

“What did you name the ranch?” his friend asked when he arrived.

“We had a heck of a time,” admitted the new city cowboy. “We couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Not For Profit Trust, Ltd. Ranch.”

His friend was impressed, but he looked around and saw no cattle.

“Where are all the cows?” he asked

“None of ’em survived the branding,” the lawyer said.