Laughing Matters: July
Jul 04, 2018 05:29AM ● By BEACON Senior News
Seeking donations
Submitted by Chrissy Kief
“Honey there are some people at the door asking for donations to build a new swimming pool.”
“Give them three…no, two buckets.”
City parking
Submitted by Nona Carver
A wealthy man walks into a New York City bank and asks for the loan officer. He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari, which costs $250,000.
The man produces the title and necessary paperwork and hands over the keys to the loan officer, and tells him the car is parked on the street in front of the bank.
After the man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the wealthy man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $23.07.
The loan officer says, “Sir, we’re very happy to have had your business, and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07?”
Secrets to a long life
Submitted by Denise Cliff
Young Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating chocolate bars. A man sitting opposite watched him finish six of them.
The man called over to Johnny and said, “Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.”
Johnny replied, “My granddad lived to be 105.”
“Did he eat lots of chocolate bars?” asked the man.
“No,” said Johnny, “he minded his own bloody business.”
Deal breakers
Submitted by Bev Duzenack
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and fell head over heels for each other. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic—he immediately asked her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed took Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. He was convinced that she was his soul mate.
Every date was better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.
As they enjoyed cocktails and waited for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you, but I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut—I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV—in short, I eat, sleep and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Linda paused, but then responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf, too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”
Ed paused for a while, and then said, “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
Word count
Submitted by Bob Breazeale
If you’re like me, I think our politicians are way too long winded. The bills they pass are so long and complicated that they don’t even understand them. It seems like things used to be simpler years ago.
For example:
The Pythagorean theorem - 24 words
The Lord’s Prayer - 66 words
Archimedes’ principle - 67 words
The 10 Commandments - 167 words
The Gettysburg Address - 286 words
The Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words
The U.S. Constitution and all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words
The U.S. Government Regulation on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words
Philanthropy
Submitted by Alex & Mary Fran Baldo
A businessman traveling out of town for work decided to have a night on the town and went to a concert at the Smith Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics, and asked one of the venue workers, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Steve Smith, the famous scholar?”
“No,” replied the worker. “It is named after Kerry Smith, the writer.”
“Never heard of him,” the businessman said. “What did he write?”
“A check,” he replied.
Pickup line
Submitted by Alex & Mary Fran Baldo
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
Intrigued, the woman asks, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“Oh really? What’s it telling you now?” she inquires.
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well, it must be broken then because I am!”
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, “Damn thing must be an hour fast!”
Taste test
Submitted by Claire Reeves
A teacher had her class of first graders try different hard candies and identify the flavors by their color—orange was orange, yellow was lemon, red was cherry and green was lime. Finally, the teacher gave them all honey-flavored candy. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, “I will give you a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit out her candy and yelled, “Oh my God! They’re assholes!”
