Diplomacy at work Submitted by Victoria Roberts

A man walked into the produce section of a suburban Colorado supermarket and asked if he could buy a half-head of lettuce. The boy who worked in the produce department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man insisted the boy consult his manager.

The boy walked into the back room and told the manager, “Some jerk wants to buy a half-head of lettuce.”

Just as he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

The manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Texas, sir,” the boy replied.

“Really? Why did you leave Texas?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but loose women and football players down there.”

“My wife is from Texas,” the manager said.

“Really?” the boy replied. “Who’d she play for?”

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Blind date Submitted by Bob Breazeale

My sister is worried about her granddaughter going on her first blind date. I told her I didn’t blame her for being worried. I’ve only been on one blind date and it didn’t turn out well. In fact, it only lasted about five minutes.

Then my sister asked what happened.

I asked her, “Would you go on a date with someone who is fat, ugly, short and dumb?”

She said, “Absolutely not!”

I said, “Neither would she.”

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Joys of grandchildren Submitted by Karen Jones

A woman was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter like she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!”

My young grandson called the other day to wish me a happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “68.” He was quiet for a moment and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a woman changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. Her patience grew thin as she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious. Finally, she threw a towel over her head and stormed into their room and put them back to bed with a stern warning. As she left the room, she heard the 3-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I pointed out something and asked what color it was. She always told me the correct answer. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door and said sagely, “Grandma, I think you should figure out some of these for yourself!”

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” a teacher said to her elementary-school class. One boy wrote, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the boy aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the boy with confidence, “It means carrying a child.”

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

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Spell check Submitted by Ted Boothroyd

Let me tell you that one simple spelling mistake—even a typo—can make your life a living hell. I recently texted my wife a short, romantic note while I was away on a fishing trip, and I omitted one small “e”. No problem you might say—not so! This tiny error has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house. I wrote, “Hi darling, I’m enjoying the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her.”

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Puns intended Submitted by Jan Weeks

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Doe this taste funny to you?”

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t. I’ve cut off your arms!”

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was the person who sent 20 different puns to his friends with the hope that at least 10 of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.