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BEACON Senior News - Western Colorado

Laughing Matters December 2019

Dec 02, 2019 02:36PM ● By Beacon Senior News
Laughing Matters cat

Clever Wuss

Submitted by Sue C. Hughey

One day Wilbur decided to do something about the continual harassment and lack of respect shown him by several of his co-workers. So he attached a notice to the lunchroom bulletin board listing six of his tormentors.

The large heading read:


A short time later, one of those on the list approached Wilbur at his work station and gruffly said,

“Why, you little twerp! I can beat the tar out of you!”

“Well then,” said Wilbur, “Go scratch your name off the list.”


The perfect tree

Submitted by Betty Norton

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”


The talking dog

Submitted by Wendy Carmichael

A man decides to get his son a dog for Christmas. On his way home from work, he sees a sign in front of a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” He stops, rings the doorbell and the owner takes him to the back yard where the dog is sitting.

“You talk?” the man asks the dog.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So what’s your story?” the man asks.

The dog says, “Well, I discovered this gift at a pretty young age. I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about myself and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. The jetting around really tired me out, though, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport doing undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, lots of puppies and now I’m retired.”

Amazed, the guy asks the dog's owner what he wants for the dog.

He says, “Ten dollars.”

“This dog is amazing,” the man says. “Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar.”


The stolen turkey

Submitted by Kyra James

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”

The boy replied, “What turkey?”

The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”

The boy looked down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”

The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is over, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you. If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. So what are you gonna do with him?”

The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his butt and let him go!”


Why a Christmas tree is better than a woman/man

Submitted by Nicole Corn

Why a Christmas tree is better than a woman:

• A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.

• A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.

• A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

• It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.

Why a Christmas tree is better than a man:

• You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.

• You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

• You only have to feed and water it once a week.

• It’s always there to light up your life.

• It always smells nice.


Drastic measures

Submitted by Richard Lemon

A man calls his adult son before the holidays and says, “Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore. We’re getting a divorce. I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now so you and your sister won’t go into shock when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls her father, “Don’t do anything till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees, “All right.”

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas. Now what are we going to tell them next Thanksgiving?”


Home for the holidays

Submitted by Greg Carter

An older woman calls the local hospital.

“Hello, darling,” the woman tells the operator at the local hospital. “I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know how she is doing, and if she’ll be home for the holidays.”

The operator asks her what the patient’s name and room number is.

The woman says, “Sure! She’s Sarah Jones in room 302.”

The operator says, “Oh, yes. Mrs. Jones is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back normal, she’s going to be taken off her heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues to improve so well, Dr. Smith is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

“That’s wonderful!” exclaims the older woman. “Oh, that’s fantastic, darling!”

“From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or friend,” the operator says.

The woman says, “I’m Sarah Jones in 302. Dr. Smith never tells me anything!”