Old goats

Submitted by Cooper Hansen

A group of Americans were traveling on a tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of making cheese with goat milk. The guide showed the tourists the pasture of goats that were too old to produce milk. The guide asked the tourists, “What do you do with your old goats in America?”

A spry older man piped up and said, “They send us on bus tours.”

Prayer for hearing

Submitted by Wyatt Johnson

Our country church may be small, but we make up for it with an active prayer ministry. On Sunday nights we hold a special prayer service that attracts people from all over the county.

One night, at the end of the service, the preacher called out, “Anyone here who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the altar.”

A young man wearing bib overalls got in line. He appeared a bit nervous. When it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Son, what do you want us to pray about for you?”

Rather reluctantly, the young man replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

Ready to get to work, the preacher put a finger of one hand in the young man’s ear, placed his other hand on top of the boy’s head, and then commenced to pray in a mighty way.

He prayed and prayed and prayed. The congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. 

After winding down the prayer, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Son, how is your hearing now?” 

The young man answered, “I don’t know, sir. My lawyer said the judge scheduled it for next Thursday.”

Perks of being over 50

Submitted by Gloria Vance

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 

2. In a hostage situation you’re likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run…anywhere. 

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?” 

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 

8. You can eat supper at 4 p.m. 

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can’t remember where you read this list.

Measurements

Submitted by Jan Weeks

2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = 1 knotfurlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen

4 nickels = 2 paradigms

Why men are happier

Submitted by Gloria Vance

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Wedding dress: $5,000. Tux renta: $100.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. 

Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, both one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for all your relatives on December 24 in 30 minutes. No wonder men are happier. 

Laughing Matters - October 2020