Birthday gift

Submitted by Jem & Mickey Neal

My husband wanted one of those big screen TVs for his birthday, so I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

Snow storm

Submitted by Ben Kuckel

A wealthy widow marries a much younger man who isn’t very bright.

During the first winter together, he hears the weather station report: “There’s a huge storm on the way tonight. We expect 8-10 inches of snow. To expedite snow plowing operations, please park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street.”  The man goes out and moves the car.

A few days later, another storm is approaching. This time, the weather station reports: “We expect about 12 inches of snow. To expedite snow plowing operations, please park your car on the even- numbered side of the street.”

Again, the man goes out and moves the car.

Two days later, the area is expecting blizzard conditions. “We expect very high winds and a lot of snow tonight and into tomorrow morning. To expedite snow plowing operations, please park on....” 

Then the electricity goes out. 

The man says to his wife, "Honey, now how are we going to find out which side to park on?” 

She replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Answered prayers

Submitted by Jane Diamond

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

During the service, the pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church tonight because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”

One hunter said, “Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”

Cowboy In Town

Submitted by Ollie Greer

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers so when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“All right, I’m gonna have anotha beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Amish Computer Virus

Submitted by Blake Burton

You have just received the Amish virus. Because we don’t have any computers or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your cooperation. Signed, The Amish Computer Engineering Department

What dogs are for

Submitted by Donna Rodgers

A mother was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian.

The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

Then a third child brought the argument to a close.” They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

A Wordy Wreck

By Stacy Schmidt

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of “Roget's Thesaurus” collided as they left a New York publishing house yesterday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, amazed, astounded and unsettled.

New Words for the New Year

Submitted by Jean Campbell

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Mouse potato - The online wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Sitcoms (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Percussive maintenance - The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” (Synonym: Decruitment)

Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to die in the end.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Ohnosesecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Synonym: Ignosecond), the moment between letting go of the door handle as you swing the car door shut and the actual closing of the door, during which you suddenly realize the keys are still in the ignition.

Restaurant choice

Submitted by Lucy Sullivan

Between her sophomore and junior years in college, my daughter Laurie waited tables at a rather seedy steakhouse. 

One evening she waited on a well-dressed young couple. In a rather condescending tone, the man asked her, “Tell me, have you ever thought of going to college?”

“Actually, I do go to college,” Laurie politely replied.

“Well, I went to Harvard,” he said, surveying the restaurant, “and I'd never work in a place like this.”

“I go to Vassar,” Laurie retorted, “and I make it a point to never eat in a dump like this.”

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